This is me

This is not the first time I find myself in front of the keyboard, but it may be the last piece of advice I’ll ever give you,

This is not a suicide letter, but it’s meant to kill my pride forever and hopefully yours too,

At a very young age, I realize that wisdom, real wisdom, is not found in books, schools, or self-help podcasts, it’s found in the number of mistakes and the battles that we have lost in life.

In today’s world there’s a misconception about what’s hard to find, seek and do.

People stress about finding “peace”, “success” reaching goals, money, and look the best for the ones around them, but what is hard to do is to be real, transparent, and tell those hard truths about yourself, you know, those things that you wouldn’t tell anybody but that perfectly describes who you really are, believe and feel.

We are so scared of loosing and rejection that we rather pay in silence the price of our mistakes and weaknesses instead of letting other people learn from them, judge you, hate you, but then, understand, learn and forgive.

I know, they are very few people that are constantly seeking opportunities to learn from mistakes, instead, the world is hungry for unfair judgment, just to make sure they are doing fine, you know, not as bad as you, not as wrong as me, not as crazy as us.

Whenever I die, I want this to be my last message because, after all is said and done, only God will ask me for what it was on my heart, you know, deep inside the real me, behind my mistakes and bad decisions, under my pain and the scars I caused, and in the background of what everybody saw, heard and thought but you, you can still learn from this.

Once I’m gone people won’t deny the fact that I let them get to really know me from the inside out.

Ive been honest, transparent, too real to digest sometimes, I was weak sometimes but fast to forgive, and slow to judge, rarely strong to say no, undoubtedly naive and an unfair defender of other people’s innocence.

I love to write but hate to text, love to talk but hate to call, I to like to laugh but always valued a good moment to cry.

I love to love before being safe, I dont hate before being logical, dislike to be obedient before being human, and prefer to be human before being right.

I learned how to enjoy other people’s success and avoid being praised, my treasures are to forgive and willingness to change, to understand, and to help to be better.

I fell in love with learning while teaching, and teaching from my mistakes instead of my skills, they were many, I mean the mistakes, because none of my skills taught me how to deal with success, and none of my victories were as sweet as any of my friend’s wins.

I hurt many people, by being afraid, by not being honest, by not getting over my pain, by being impatient, by not letting go when I had to, and for my lack of faith sometimes.

Faith in God, faith in love, faith in myself.

When I die please don’t stress about what to do with my ashes, but please look for my notes, who knows how much you can learn from when I was wrong?

One thing I have to be thankful for is that if I ever said “ I love you” that person knows it was real, very real, and they can remember that very well, even when they thought I stopped, they know I didn’t.

You know I tried my best all the time, even when I was not supposed to, even when I needed to cry, I was trying to make you laugh.

This life is difficult, but it wasn’t that bad thanks to the people that made me who I am, I learned from my grandpa that there’s always a reason to laugh, from my grandma that there is always a reason to forgive, from my dad, that people are full of crap but everybody can change for good at any time, from my mom, that no matter how high my head can fly, I can’t let my feet leave the ground, from my stepdad, that there’s always a reason for everything that my eyes can’t see, and from my siblings that distance is never enough to break love.

From my friends I learned a lot too, like how love can make fun of reason but also how reason can be misunderstood by wrong advice.

And from “her”, if I ever found you, you will remind me that God is as real as the strength of my heart, that love is unending sacrifices and no possession, that love is beautiful when is out of your control and it’s just fine to give, give and give. NO MATTER WHAT!, even when it hurts, because it’s never about the wound, but about the healing, you will have taught me to wait, to look at the stars instead of the phone, to hear her soul instead of her words, to pray and write instead of screaming, to cry and hug instead of holding on,

She helps me to live even if she doesn’t exist and to not be afraid of dying, but to be afraid of letting my soul die by never writing about what’s inside of me.

God let all this happen not to bless me but to make me, not to hurt me but to love me, not to kill me but to hug me, not to teach you, but to save you.